A Conversation with Creator/Performer Kerri Van Auken, "Blackout - No Hard Feelings," Zephyr Theatre, by James Scarborough

In "Blackout - No Hard Feelings," Kerri Van Auken crafts a darkly comic journey into the mind of Mary Lynn, a woman whose sunny disposition masks a life in free fall. Van Auken's one-woman show deftly navigates the troubles of middle-aged disappointment with humor and psychological depth.

This production stands out for its fresh take on emotional avoidance. Rather than merely depicting escapism, Van Auken takes us inside her protagonist's head, creating a psychological landscape populated by personified emotions and coping mechanisms. The result feels both fantastical and uncomfortably familiar – a theatrical head trip that shows how we all compartmentalize uncomfortable truths.

Jessica Lynn Johnson directs this surreal exploration of adult arrested development, taking it beyond mere character study. The premise – a woman confronting the feelings she has spent a lifetime "blacking out" – could easily become either melodramatic or frivolous, but Van Auken's background in comedy suggests she'll handle this terrain with a touch that honors both the humor and humanity of her subject.

"Blackout" arrives when conversations about emotional intelligence and mental health are mainstream, making this exploration of one woman's psychological journey both timely and insightful.

Below follows an email conversation with Kerri Van Auken.

JS: Your show features a protagonist who uses escapism as a coping mechanism. How did you develop Mary Lynn's character? To what extent does her journey reflect common patterns of avoidance you've observed?

KVA:  Mary Lynn is a version of myself. I was always playing pretend and daydreaming. I was hopelessly boy crazy and occasionally ‘obsessed’ with things. Feeling physical feelings made me sick. Throw in a robust relationship with alcohol and a divorce that left me living like I was in my 20s but with a worse apartment- there was not much I didn’t want to avoid.

JS: The play creates a literal internal landscape where various aspects of the psyche become characters. Could you talk about how you personified these emotions, and how director Jessica Lynn Johnson helped shape them?

KVA: Personifying emotions comes very easy to me. Articulating and processing emotions does not. Jessica Lynn Johnson has an extraordinarily keen sense of what I’m trying to get across. She helps extrapolate themes and plot points, character nuances, and otherwise translate my wacky business, always mindful of the project as a whole. She helped shape my silly instincts into fully realized, captivating ‘people’.

JS: Your background spans multiple comedy disciplines – sketch, improv, stand-up. How have these different forms influenced your solo performance, particularly when tackling darker emotional terrain?

KVA: Emotional truth is the cornerstone no matter which form. I knew the show would be funny, not necessarily a straight up comedy, but have satirical elements of sketch. Character work has always been my passion and the means in which I express opinions. If it’s an existing character I have - I let them shape the words. I used the characters to say and do the hard things. I think some of that is my uncomfortability with hard feelings. I don’t like to sit in serious very long, so I tend to make a hard left into silly.  I used improv to create and continue shaping the show. It’s WILD doing it alone - listening to and responding yourself.  The biggest challenge for me was having the courage to be honest. Eventually the truth becomes more important than the ego.

JS: "Blackout" seems to address a particularly female experience of middle age and disappointment. Was this gendered perspective deliberate? What do you hope audiences take from Mary Lynn's confrontation with her unfulfilled expectations?

KVA: In the sense that I’m a female and this story is very close to me. That said, I think that any person in midlife can relate to the regret, the what if’s, the embarrassing acknowledgement that maybe things are not as awesome as you have been pretending. And maybe you don’t know what you want, but on the other side of admitting it, is the self-awareness and the courage to really live for yourself.

JS: There's something inherently vulnerable about creating and performing a show that deals with emotional avoidance and coping mechanisms. How has developing this piece affected your own relationship with these themes? Has the process itself been therapeutic?

KVA: Absolutely! Through this process I quit drinking - very slowly and very mindfully. What was striking was how raw I was feeling - my senses were heightened, my mind was clear, and I was becoming more direct and blunt. In going through stories in my timeline I was noticing how many were related to my fear of ‘feelings’. My sheer uncomfortability with the physical feeling of feelings or emotions. Which I researched that led me to develop one of my characters ‘Dr. Dom’ - Emotional Master and Feelings Dominatrix.

JS: Your character encounters "Boys and Booze" as agents of escape. What drew you to explore these particular coping mechanisms? How do you balance depicting them honestly while avoiding either glamorization or preaching?

KVA:  The feelings elicited by ‘boys’ (or the love that Mary Lynn desires) and booze are profoundly strong (AND FUN) and can become addictive. Mary Lynn eventually discovers that her little harmless crushes and fantasies can turn into obsession and self neglect. And booze does a very good job at blocking things out - and not just the bad things, but all the things.  I think that I tried to speak truth to their powers - and how easily we can follow the good feelings and sacrifice our well-being.

Performances are June 7 at 7:30 pm, June 15 at 2:45 pm, and June 26 at 5:15 pm. Tickets are $15. The Zephyr Theatre is at 7456 Melrose Avenue, Los Angeles, California, 90046. For more information, click here.