“A Conversation With Playwright/Actress Avery Volk, "Girl in Reverse: A Feminine Rage Manifesto", Hollywood Fringe Festival, The Zephyr Theatre, by James Scarborough.”

Avery Volk’s “Girl in Reverse: A Feminine Rage Manifesto,” premiering at The Zephyr Theatre, melds the deeply personal with the universally resonant. Volk, both playwright and performer, journeys through the landscape of emotional and sexual awakening with a raw, unflinching honesty. The narrative explores the complexities of identity and desire through the lens of a woman experiencing an unexpected shift in her relational dynamics. The interplay of her inner child, id, higher self, and the intriguingly named Hell Beast provides a rich, psychological depth that transforms the stage into a battleground of conflicting impulses.

Volk’s portrayal is powerful and vulnerable. It captures the essence of a woman torn between long-standing commitments and newfound desires. Her odyssey is marked by humor, poignancy, and a relentless quest for self-discovery. The direction by Jessica Lynn Johnson enhances this exploration, guiding Volk through a performance that is as intellectually stimulating as it is emotionally engaging. Johnson’s experience in solo performance creates a seamless blend of narrative and theatricality.

“Girl in Reverse” offers a look at the complex nature of human relationships and the personal revolutions that redefine them.

JS: “Girl in Reverse: A Feminine Rage Manifesto,” delves into themes of emotional and sexual awakening. What inspired you to explore these themes?

AV: I open the show by talking about how I’ve been in the same relationship since I was 18. When this relationship began, I was not only young and naïve – as most of us are at 18 – but I was vastly inexperienced. I was a late bloomer in every sense. I was home-schooled in high school, but even in the brief time that I actually went to high school, I was awkward, shy, closed off, didn’t have many friends; certainly not boyfriends – so when I began my relationship with my partner, “Sag” (short for Sagittarius, as he is affectionately nicknamed in my show), and a short time later got into theatre, that was when my world started to open up. I became less awkward, more sociable, and I started learning how to connect with people. As my relationship with Sag progressed, I just went through all of my 20s with this whole mindset of “Wow, I really have found THE ONE. He’s my ‘soul mate.’ This is it. I’m set for life. I’ll never have to worry about getting my heart broken or dealing with the kind of BS relationship drama that I see so many of my friends going through, because I love this man and I’ll never feel this way about anyone else. I’m so lucky….” And that remained unchanged until 2020… right before the pandemic. That was when I met “Aries,” and although our time together was so brief- it was such a transformational experience for me. Suddenly there was this other guy I was intensely attracted to and couldn’t stop thinking about. It felt like the high school experience I never got to have….. only I was experiencing it as a fully formed adult. So it really was like this whole “second” awakening to my own sexuality and womanhood. In adolescence, this kind of thing is so extreme because you have little to no vernacular for what you’re experiencing. As an adult, and moreso as an artist – especially a writer – it was just as extreme, but in a different way. I could name and write all of my feelings and experiences. I could draw them. I could express them with my body. I could hear them in music. But I was at war because…. the boundaries of my relationship with Sag – as well as the painful endings to these relationships with these men once they showed their true colors – didn’t allow for my desires to be fulfilled.

JS: How did you develop the concept of the various parts of the protagonist’s personality, such as the inner child, id, higher self, and Hell Beast?

AV: I’ve never met a person who doesn’t attribute at least some part of their insecurities – about themselves as well as in their relationships with others – to some kind of lack of love in childhood. Damaging, abusive, or simply inadequate parenting or parental figures, bullying, neglect, etc. Most of us can check at least one of these boxes. It’s a common practice in psychotherapy as well as many forms of spiritual practice to learn how to meet, connect with, and heal your inner child. Sometime in 2020 – it definitely would have been in the heat of the pandemic – I discovered a YouTube channel for guided meditation and hypnosis to aid with sleep, ease symptoms of anxiety, etc. One of the guided meditations was meeting your inner child. It was the first time I’d ever done anything like that… that I became aware of my inner child and started learning what it meant to love her. Along with my higher self, she’s my “Voice of reason” in many instances. None of these characters were created with a filter, and she’s no exception. She’s a child. She only speaks what she knows to be true. She asks questions. She helps me to understand the things I couldn’t when I was still a child myself. She inadvertently pushes back against the chaos that I’m navigating through my turbulent awakening, and she and higher self are my light in the dark.

Higher self is “the older, wiser version of me who only understands pure, raw truth. Who does no harm and takes no shit.” The voice of higher self first emerged when I was going through the shitstorm that was “Dog.” The man who showed up on the heels of Aries. We would be having these text exchanges and, after we’d been sexting nearly every day for months, he’d suddenly be hot and cold. Sometimes he would act like we were having a conversation for the first time, straight-up gaslight me, or otherwise just make statements that were so utterly bizarre and confusing that it was as if I was speaking to an entirely different person. My own protective intuition started coming through. It was like this voice would clatter into the back of my brain, behind all the noise, and say, “Seriously, what the fuck?! This is NOT okay. 1. Something is really wrong with this person. They are bad for you. and 2. You deserve better than this, babe. And you know it.” I would start having all of these sharp, snarky responses to the things he said to me. Things I would type and not send. It was as if I started being able to observe what was happening to me from the outside. It was especially funny when he’d say something that he expected me to believe, as if he thought I was stupid, and then when I didn’t fall for it, he’d tell me how “intelligent and poetic and articulate” I was. Thus, my higher self was forged. I knew immediately that she couldn’t be a gentle “Namaste” type of character. She’s sassy. She’s fierce. My idea of her was more like, if I’d grown up on the East Coast and had a wise aunt whom I could go to with all the things I couldn’t go to my mom with. I’d often see that type of character in films and TV shows and think “God, I wish I’d had someone like that growing up.” And there she was! The base concept for ID is, of course, from Freud. I first learned about “The ID, the Ego, and the Superego” in a college theatre class, and I remember my professor explaining what each one meant. He described the ID as “The one that says “EAT ICE CREAM SUNDAES AND FUCK EVERYBODY ALL THE TIME.” And I never forgot that. ID seeks only pleasure and operates purely on impulse. She’s pure explosive energy. That is absolutely something I was dealing with as I went through this awakening. There were many instances in which I felt insane and as if I had no control. It was a combination of the boundaries within my relationship with Sag, that didn’t allow me to go “all the way” with Aries or Dog, as well as the fine job they themselves did of shattering the illusions I had about them and what they were to me. What they could be. So I’d built up all of this insane, horny, ravenous energy that just wanted to dive in and eat, but instead I was left to starve. That’s where Hell Beast comes in. The starvation. The rage. The dark feminine. She was born out of rage. She and ID both operate from a place of “I need it, I want it, I’ll get it. NOW.” But she is ID’s opposite. She’s insistent, but she’s in control. She knows what is needed and she simply commands it. She is the me I know I can be. The me who rightfully claims what is hers …if only it wasn’t for everything that keeps me from claiming it.

JS: Discuss the significance of the title. How does it relate to the narrative and themes of the play?

AV: The title was one thing that, the moment it came to me, I knew it was right. I never second-guessed it. I call it Girl in Reverse because the whole thing of being a late bloomer ties so heavily into my story. I never really felt like I got to be “Young and wild and free” in the way that most people do before getting into my relationship with Sag. Early on in the relationship, people would encourage me to date around and ask me why I wasn’t, and if I was sure I wanted to “settle down” with Sag at such a young age. And I’d tell them “Yes, of course, this relationship is beautiful and amazing and I’ll never want or need anyone else as long as I live.” So now I essentially feel like I’m “in reverse” in that I want to have those experiences with other people that I could have had earlier in life. But it’s also a weird caveat because, even if I were single right now, I wouldn’t be participating in hookup culture. I wouldn’t have a dating profile. That’s just not my thing. I firmly believe that you find the people and experiences who will have the greatest impact on your life when you least expect it, and when you aren’t looking. In the show, I talk about how one of the things I learned about myself through these experiences is that “Maintaining a sexual connection with another human is impossible for me without also having a mental, emotional, and spiritual one.” I’m demisexual. That means I don’t experience sexual attraction without first experiencing emotional attraction and forming an emotional bond with someone. The subtitle A Feminine Rage Manifesto is there because, as I was going through everything with Dog… after I’d gotten addicted to his attention, but then he started to withdraw it, act weird or aloof, gaslight me, etc. I would have this feeling of such pure, potent rage welling up inside of…..well, my vagina. The hunger….the addiction had been created, but no real relief came. Not the kind I wanted or needed. And thus, the rage. Feminine rage. The infamous Vagina Monologues bears mention here. 2020 was also the first time I read through those, and I could see many facets of my own experiences being reflected back at me through them. It helped me to feel a little less alone. Still, there are things inside of us that have no language. I feel that this is uniquely true of female sexual desire. There is something so ancient and unsayable in it. In the experience of it. This is what Hell Beast represents. Her name is a language we can’t speak. But for our purposes, she says “You can call me Hell Beast.”

JS: How does your background as a poet influence your approach to playwriting and performance in this production?

AV: 2020 was when I started actively journaling and freewriting and, as a result, began writing poetry. I was experiencing such a vast overwhelm of emotions that I desperately needed a place for them to exist outside of myself. I’d just vomit words onto a page (because, often, it felt like the only thing I could do.) and then I’d go back and look at it later and I’d think “…Hold on. This is….. good. I don’t want to just keep this to myself. I want to share it. I want people to hear it.” And then I wrote my first spoken word poem, which was about Aries. I surprised myself. It wasn’t the first time I’d written poetry, but it was the first time I’d written poetry that I felt really good about. The first time I knew that I really was a writer. Then I started sharing it, and it was exceptionally well-received. I kept writing, and I fell in love with the craft of it. It felt so good and so freeing to perform my poetry. In early 2022, the acting school where I was studying announced a solo theatre development workshop…..and I knew immediately that I wanted to turn these stories into a solo show. It was like fire in my belly. I’d been going hard, almost non-stop, with all of my traditional acting studies and practices for such a long time…I was beginning to feel burnt out, and then we had the pandemic….and then I experienced a great personal tragedy. The death of my sister. Grief takes the life right out of you. Someone else died, but you feel like you did too. I experienced many small deaths within myself, personally and artistically. After putting my life on hold for some time to simply exist and grieve, I felt ready to turn my one-page skeleton of notes and doodles into an entire show. Going through the process of writing and developing the show – as cliché as this may sound – really felt like it gave me life again. The writing process was this interesting balance of going by what I felt and what made sense to me, but also being mindful of what would translate and resonate for an audience. A lot of it was very visceral. One writing exercise that our coach – the wonderful Isaac Byrne – gave us, that I’ll never forget, was to “Write from your organs.” You choose an organ, set a one-minute timer, and just free-write whatever that organ would say if it could speak. I loved that. I love that kind of approach to writing. Whenever I write a poem, and I manage to arrive at something that feels like satisfaction… that feels like “Yeah, this is exactly it.” It’s never because I’m writing for an audience. I write straight from the heart, and sometimes I manage to turn it into something performable. Writing my show with the ultimate goal of performing it did inform a lot of my process, but in a good way. It challenged me to be that bold, messy, unapologetic artist and human that I’d always wanted to be. It feels good to be able to say that I’ve finally answered that call.

JS: The play deals with the protagonist’s attraction to multiple men while in a long-term relationship. How do you enact these emotions and dynamics on stage?

AV: ID, Hell Beast, Higher Self, and Inner Child are a huge part of these scenes. They exist to express the different sides of myself that I was waking up to as I was experiencing these things. I also have an “Announcer” character who welcomes the audience onto the “ride” at the top of the show. As the story progresses, she explains the chemical processes that happen in your brain when you experience attraction to someone new. I found a way to juxtapose these explanations with the events in my story in a way that basically allows me to poke a bit of fun at myself and helps the audience to feel included and welcomed into the story, because most of them can relate in some way. Aside from the moments with my characters, I have a lot of tender moments between myself and the men I’m speaking to. Also in my own inner monologues….conversations I have with myself, or with the audience. There’s a lot of push-pull, a lot of “What ifs” and a lot of fantasy vs. reality.

JS: Jessica Lynn Johnson directed and developed the play with you. How did her direction shape the production? What was your collaborative process like?

AV: Jessica really helped me to trim a lot of the fat. One thing I’m still trying to get better at is condensing my writing. I tend to over-explain, and the editing was very hard, because it felt like everything I was saying was vital. Jessica really helped me to shape and mold this huge mosaic I had into one cohesive flowing piece. She was really great at honoring everything I came to her with, and I didn’t feel like I had to water anything down or deviate from the vision I had. She offered such a valuable perspective on the things I easily could have missed, given that I was only able to have a perspective from the inside of my own story. She helped me to shape the story in a way that married my authentic truth to the way I wanted things to land with my audience. I think my favorite thing about our collaborative process was the way that she would simply ask questions as we went through the script- like questions that the audience would have or things they would be curious to know more about or need clarification on, so it helped me to write or adjust the writing in a way that answered them. She helped me in creating all the different iterations of myself, and I worked with the brilliant and wonderful Heather Dowling on fleshing out my characters as well. Working with both of them helped me to shape everything into such a lovingly crafted, beautifully truthful and raw piece of art that I could not be more proud of.

JS: The play has been described as “hilarious, bawdy, gorgeously profane, and heartbreakingly honest.” How do you balance these contrasting tones within the play?

AV: I drew a lot of inspiration from Fleabag. Phoebe Waller-Bridge has such an extraordinary way of making you laugh…until she breaks your heart. Whenever I’m seeing a play, that is usually the kind of experience I hope for as well. I love how unapologetic she is. She’s raw, dirty, messy, and just so achingly, gorgeously human. I wanted to give myself that gift, too. We still live in a world where it is considered “brave” for a woman to do this. Not only to act human, but to let the world in on it. And yes, of course it’s brave. But it’s not brave for the reason that women are expected to do the opposite. It’s brave because anyone letting the world in on the kinds of stories that the average person would probably keep secret – or perhaps only share with a few trusted friends – is an act of bravery. So much of the honesty comes through because so much of what’s in the script is straight from my journals – Some sections are either completely unedited freewriting, or were born out of that. There is nearly always some humor to be found somewhere in pain and suffering. Through a lot of this, I was usually able to laugh at myself in some way, and I was most certainly laughing at some of the dumb shit that these guys were saying to me. Some of it quite literally wrote itself. There were things they said that made me go “I could never have written this. This came from another human’s mind… and out of their mouth, they expressed it directly to me, and now I’m simply putting it on paper.” I have so much fun taking myself on the rollercoaster ride of “Okay, this is funny. And now it’s sexy. And now it’s sad. And now it’s maddening. Shit, now it’s funny again!” Because that was exactly how it happened and how I experienced it. That is what I hope to give to my audiences as well.

JS: As an actress, how do you prepare to embody the multiple aspects of your character, especially those that represent different parts of her psyche?

AV: As I was developing these characters and trying to figure out how to shape each of them and give each one a distinct voice, I started tuning in to how I felt in my body as I would go through the script. I’ll never forget the first time I shared a section of this story in front of an in-person class. I got so hot…. my whole face and body were flushed. I knew I was working from a place of truth. When I would share sections in Jessica’s small groups, I started noticing just how alive and turned on I felt as I was giving voice to these various parts of myself. I played with their physicality and resonance. When working on traditional plays or doing monologue or scene work in the past, something that came up often for me was a struggle to fully let go and give myself permission to be ugly, loud, and messy. Through these real-life events, there were many instances in which I WAS ugly and messy. So then it became a question of, “What does this part of me look like as a character? What if it’s not simply me as I am every day being messy and unapologetic…. What if it’s this other part of me altogether?” It was also about not thinking, and simply doing. Allowing impulse to lead, like with ID. I’d have an idea, and think “Maybe it’s not perfect, but it’s worth writing down. It might be fine-tuned or turned into something else later, but here’s the jump-off point.” It would be based purely on energy rather than rational thought. That’s really what it comes down to. My own energy has to be grounded, present, warm, and electric. My script and blocking are rehearsed and memorized. But when it’s showtime, I don’t think. I just do.

JS: The play challenges traditional narratives of female desire and relational loyalty. What message do you want audiences to take away?

AV: What I want is for audiences to question the status quo. I challenge the audience directly within my show by saying “Monogamy is fine. But why is it such a common default? Consider this… no one expects us to be monogamous with our parents. Our siblings. Our pets. Our friends. So why do we this in our romantic partnerships?” I wonder how often anyone stops to consider how compulsive monogamy is, or might be. Or why infidelity is so common and divorce rates are so high. There’s so much talk now about dismantling patriarchy, capitalism, oppressive systems, social conditioning, traditional practices, and unlearning all of the systems and patterns we’ve been conditioned to exist inside of that are (usually) harming us in some way. I know plenty of people in monogamous relationships, and a few who are in polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous ones. Most people would agree that polyamory is “having a moment.” It seems to be gaining ground and becoming more and more common. Still…. everyone I know is either monogamous, poly, open, or ethically non-monogamous. I have yet to meet another person who is caught somewhere in the middle and completely lost as far as finding a solution, as I am. But I know I’m not the only one. I would find it immensely gratifying for someone to see my show and then say, “Oh wow, this is what I’m going through too.”

The question I’m always asking myself (that I ask within the play) is “Why not both? Why do I have to choose?” I think constantly about these lyrics from Into the Woods (my favorite musical) … in the song “Moments,” as the Baker’s wife is lamenting her tryst with Cinderella’s Prince and pondering why she can’t actually live the life she dreams of and still maintain her relationship with her husband and their child, she asks “Must it all be either less or more/either plain or grand/is it always “or”/is it never “and?” and then, of course, she meets her demise only moments later. There was no clear and easy solution to her plight. This is a dark admission, but I feel like I am in a very similar position. I’m faced with the choice of either having to deny this very real part of myself that I’ve awakened to (as I say in the show, “I can’t put the genie back in the bottle.”) Or to end my relationship with Sag, and in so doing, sacrifice more than I’m currently willing to. The practical answer to the question of “Why not both?” is, of course, because I’m the only one in this equation who wants that. I realize how selfish and hedonistic this may sound to some…. I think it’s perfectly normal, completely valid, and far more common than most of us realize. The problem is that we simply don’t talk about it enough.

JS: How do you see “Girl in Reverse” contributing to contemporary discussions about gender, identity, and sexuality?

AV: I hope it will stimulate conversations, especially among women – about the complete scope and reality of human sexual desire. I’m hoping that it will be an impetus for more honesty with ourselves and with each other about recognizing what we truly want and learning how to ask for it. I remember when 50 Shades of Grey came out, and it was basically treated like the sexual revolution of the 2000s. So many women (most notably, suburban mom types) were talking about it as if they’d never heard of sex before, or had no idea that it could be like that. The saddest thing about it was that it wasn’t even a good piece of literature. It was a depressing reminder of how sex and sexual identity is viewed and treated in America as a whole. I want to say that maybe we’re a little better now, but I don’t think so. We’re still so far behind compared to many other parts of the world, both in terms of sex and relationships.  

Even if some can’t relate to my relationship plight, damn near everybody can relate to stories about messy breakups, men who are not nice, and struggling with self-love. I feel like it may be easy for some to essentially look down their noses at me for going about these things the way I have and talking about them the way I do. I feel almost as if my story would be more palatable if I were single. But this is my truth. All of it. And actually, I welcome that. I don’t tell these stories to be palatable. I tell them to tell you that “Hey, I’m not perfect. I’m human. And so are you. Let’s talk.”  

Performances are Friday, June 14, 2024, at 5:00 p.m.; Saturday, June 22, at 4:45 p.m.; Sunday, June 30, at 3:30 p.m. Tickets are $15. The Zephyr Theatre is located at 7456 Melrose Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90046. For more information, click here.